As usual, I must make a disclaimer. Even though I see more movies than most people, I'm still somewhat picky about my movies. I try not to see movies that are obvious total dreck. That's why I didn't see Parental Guidance this holiday season. The first reason I wanted to be sure I mention this is so that you notice that I didn't list A Thousand Words on today's post and think that it must be on my top 10 list.
The second reason is that I broke that general rule this year. I feel justified in breaking it, as I'll explain, but I still feel bad about it. And this year, I almost broke that rule a second time. I made my way through James Patterson's Alex Cross books this past year. They aren't great, but they're fast, entertaining reads. I almost went to see Cross. Based on everything I've read, I dodged a second bullet; the first is still embedded in my gut. I'll return to that in a bit, as it doesn't stand alone on this list.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close was Extremely Band and Incredibly Wretched. Tom Hanks is strange, and not in a good way.The plot is contrived and ridiculous. I will admit that there is a small twist at the end that brought some things together and made the mother's character, played by Sandra Bullock, make more sense. But it was too late at that point. I have no clue why this movie was nominated or even liked. I'll start my own riot and looting in downtown Concord if this wins.
I debated over whether to put The Campaign on this list or just hide it away into my general writeup as forgettable. But it comes down to this. If a comedy isn't funny, it fails. The only funny parts were in the trailer. Beyond that? Very, very forgettable. I often forget that I usually don't care for Will Farrell. Anchorman, which I love, has totally screwed up my barometer for Ferrell.
Also deceiving me was Michael Shannon. If you haven't seen Take Shelter, take a look. He's fantastic. And he's going to be General Zod, for crying out loud. In Premium Rush, both of these actors phoned it in. It felt like a bad surfing movie from the 90s. Actually, I think I'm being way too kind with that comparison.
So I was in Las Vegas, and I had to check out of my hotel by noon. But I wasn't done with that visit. I was meeting others later that day. I had to kill some time. Las Vegas is hot. I also wanted air conditioning. Casinos tend to cost money. So I went to the movies.
It was probably the heat of the Nevada desert that convinced me that Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter would be a good choice. I perhaps tried to convince myself that it was also research for my job. It wasn't. It was bad. And not even in a campy way, which is probably its worst sin. It never took a moment to wink at the viewer to show that they were in on the joke. They weren't.
I say the next part lightly, but also slightly seriously. And I don't even know if I can explain it correctly. I didn't like the historical inaccuracies in the movie, either. Yeah, the movie that added vampires to the Antebellum Period and put a crucifix in the hand of our 16th president. I say either make it totally accurate but with vampires OR just change history a la Quentin Tarantino. But don't have things that are just inaccurate.
The second movie walked out of is a lot more telling. It was in my San Diego State days. That movie was Mel Brook's Dracula: Dead and Loving It. I think I walked out of that one and walked into Father of the Bride II, which shows you just how bad that was. So apparently, I hate vampire movies with colons in their titles. It's a good thing I didn't see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part II.