I love the airport!

Ah, the airport. A place filled with sunshine and rainbows, good will and smiles all around. As I type this, I'm being jerked around the Philadelphia airport. The airplane required some kind of maintenance, and then they decided to replace the plane. First we had to check-in again, because some seats might have changed with the new plane. I was spared any change. Soon after we all went through that fun, they decided to send us to a completely different gate, in a completely different terminal. Good times!

I was reflecting earlier about things that I've learned from traveling. And the flight is just as important as anything else to the happiness of your trip. The big deal about the flight is that it's going to be the most uncomfortable part of the vacation. Please excuse my voice, as I choose to switch back and forth between first and second person. You understand, I'm sure.

First you have to make your way to the airport. This time, I rode BART. How much more exciting can a vacation be to start with an hour and 20 minute BART ride with the Bay Area's finest citizens? Luckily, BART now goes directly to the airport, making things more comfortable.

Second, you get to check in. This time I was smart and checked in online. That meant that I didn't get the thrill of standing in line for 20 minutes. Once you reach the front, you get to hand your ID to the ticket taker. That person will then spend the next 20 minutes staring at the screen and occasionally typing. They then get to ask you the questions about whether you had your bags with you the whole time, but they don't look at you when they ask said questions. Nor do I think they notice when you answer. Since I don't check in luggage, they then stare at my bag for about 30 seconds, wondering whether to make me check it in or not. Finally, they push one more button and my ticket pops out.

Third, on to security. This is that place in the US where we bend over and ask them to shove the Bill of Rights right up our asses. But of course or safety must be MUCH more important than liberty. I mean that person in front of me could have done some serious damage with that hair gel. I might have gotten my hair gelled. And the Ziploc bag of Nutter Butter bites in my pocket certainly warranted me getting pulled to the side for a full search. I'm guessing that someone was worried about travelers with peanut allergies.

Fourth, you get to go to the gate. And sit there. For an hour and a half, because you were smart and showed up extra early "just in case." For me, this hour and a half is filled with wondering, once again, if they are going to make me check in my bag. Yes, it's the correct size for a carry on, but these guys like to make you check them just for fun. On the way to DC this past spring, the guy at the gate walked by me and gave that 30 second stare to my bag as I had it on my back. I think they are trained in that stare, their minds filled with geometric computations and visions of me pissed when they make me check it. He then said," I don't know if that bag will make it. We might have to check it." I coolly responded, "It's fine. It will fit." He stared again, and mumbled as he walked away, "We might have to check it." I didn't see him again. Jedi mind trick, bitches.

Fifth, your anxiety for the trip builds up again, because you're getting on the plane! You jump to the line when they finally call your "zone," only to find the line extends out of the plane and into the walkway leading back to the gate. Why? Because they load the plane from the front. And people take five minutes to adjust themselves in the aisle. Finally you get to your seat, where you then sit for another half hour. And these seats are the comfort equivalent to the desks in my classroom, which is strange because they look quite plush. It's a miracle of design. After slowly taxi-ing (?) around the airport, you finally get to take off. That adrenaline builds because you're finally on your way! The plane lifts off and... you feel like you're in the exact same place. That plane is moving, but the uncomfortable seat is only going to get worse and worse over the next several hours. All the adrenaline form the excitement leaks out of your body.

Finally, we're ready for the decent. The plane is coming to the ground! Another half hour later, it finally lands. After another 20 minutes of taxi-ing (??), we're to the gate. And everyone stands up. And remains standing for another 15 minutes. I'm an experienced traveler. I stay in my seat. Suckers. And then you're off the plane! Here you are in… your connecting city. Let's do most of it all over again.
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European preflections

I'm about to head back to Europe. As an adult, this will be my fourth trip. As I lived in Europe for four years as a kid, it's tough to have an overall count. In the broad scope of people who would consider themselves to be real travelers, I'm very much an amateur. But for the average American, sad as it may be, I'm practically an expert. Before I depart for this next trip, I want to write out some things I've learned from my first trip.

The first trip was to Italy. The biggest thing I had to figure out in that trip was how to pack. I bought a suitcase that also served as a backpack and was also small enough to carry on. I spent days and days trying to pack up everything I thought I would need for a couple weeks and make it fit. It didn't work. No matter what I tried, I couldn't get it all to fit in that tiny pack. So I returned it and bought the next size up. I had to check it, and it was heavy.

What I figured out while I was there was that my packing problems were due to my casual American clothes. You see, to be a light packer, you need to be able to do laundry quickly and easily in the sink in the hotel room. With jeans, cotton shirts, boxers, and socks, you can't really do that. They need to soak longer, they need more activation in the water, and they take way too long to dry. That means that you need to find laundry facilities, and that not only takes money, but too much time. So I had to bring more shirts, boxers, and socks in order to stretch out the time. So before the next trip, I spent some cash at REI before going to get some travel clothes. Now every few days on the trip, I fill the sink with water, a few drops of Woolite, and soak the clothes for awhile. Then swish them around for awhile, rinse, stamp out the water, and they are clean and dry the next morning. If you plan to travel light, get some travel clothes.

I also learned the need to have the occasional link to home. I left with this mentality that I was going to travel correctly as a European - there was no way I was eating at McDonalds! That didn't last too long, as I soon discovered that while I like trying new stuff, I don't always like what I try. The lousy meal can easily be followed up with a Big Mac. I had plenty of lousy meals, as on that trip, I wasn't good at picking places to eat. I didn't really learn that until the next trip.

But it was a strong link to home that I had near the end of the trip that allowed me to make it happily through the last few days. My last stop on that trip was five days in Rome. For the previous 10 days or so, I had been dropped head first into this other culture. Cold drinks were rare. I didn't often hear English. On that first day in Rome, I had to do laundry one last time. Again, it was an inconvenience of time. But I had also spent the past couple days doing a lot of exhausting activities, so I was beat. I knew I had five more days, but I was feeling like they might be spent just lying in my hotel. I needed something to kick me in the butt.

So I was lucky to find a full service laundry. I just had to drop off everything, and it would be ready a few hours later. So I started walking around to find food. By that time, it was an almost dreaded activity. As I mentioned before, I wasn't good at finding food. Even in Italy, which has some of the best food on Earth, I had found some of the either worst or most expensive (or both) food imaginable (Yep, even pizza. I managed to find the worst pizza ever in Venice). But on this night, fate was with me. I turned a corner to find this nice little neighborhood with outdoor dining, fairly typical of Europe. And right in the middle, there it was. It was a beautiful sight. It was - The Hard Rock Cafe.

You see, if I were to find a Hard Rock Cafe anywhere else, at any other time, I would probalby keep on walking. Yeah, I've had a Hard Rock T-Shirt before. I've eaten there and enjoyed the decor. But after leaving my early 20s, I lost interest. But you see, there were a few things that linked me back to home. Of course, they played music videos the whole time. American videos. Comfort music from home. I had a big, fat burger that wasn't a McDonalds burger. I had a Caesar salad, so that I would feel like I was still in the Roman spirit. But the best thing of all was the drink. It was a Pepsi. With ICE. And free refills. Even though I was there and went through it myself, I feel a bit like an idiot even typing about the event and how excited I was for ice and refills. But at that moment almost six years ago, it was a huge deal, and it got me through the next few days with a renewed vigor.

I don't want to type out the stories right now, but here are some other things I learned about travel in Europe. 1. Always check your pizza to see if it was cut into slices. 2. Check the top of your bottle to see if it's a twist off. 3. If you aren't 100% sure you know where the bus goes after your stop, don't stay on to sight see. They don't all make round trips (D'oh!)

My second trip was the biggie. I was there for six weeks, covering as much of Western Europe as I could. I discovered that it was just a bit too long. I was ready to come home about about five, and I kinda started losing it a bit. When you start talking to yourself out loud (in your head or mumbling lightly is always perfectly acceptable) at the Aquarium Portugal about the majesty of the Ocean (singular), it's about two days after you should have gone home.

The third trip was to Central Europe. You can see the details of that trip on my website (www.scottcharris.com), though I still haven't finished the last four days. I keep telling myself that I will actually finish the website, and perhaps this trip will encourage me to do so. I tried to make the site much more complicated than it needed to be. For this trip, I'm going to post some pictures and updates to the blog. I know that I'll put something on the website. But it won't be as complicated, especially since I don't really know how to use the software that I have on this laptop.

So here's the approximate schedule. I arrive in Stockholm Wednesday morning. I'll take an overnight cruise to Tallinn, Estonia, then spend Thursday night there. On Friday, I speed up to Helsinki, Finland and spend the night there. Saturday night I'll take another overnight cruise back to Stockholm. On Sunday I start the tour. Here are the details. Late afternoon of the tours end, Day 14 ( July 4) I'll fly back to Oslo to spend the night before flying back home on the 5th. So when I have some internet access, I'll let you know how I'm doing and show you a few pictures.

Clean sweep!

The committee has decided! Every week, every month, and now the year. It's quite an honor, and it's good to know when you're the best.


And just for the sake of posterity before I have to erase it:

Heh heh - taint

The worst taint is ignorance. Destroy this one taint and become taintless. - Buddha...

Sin the Beginning part 1

I. Creation

In the beginning there was nothing. Scientists, philosophers, scholars, and clergy studied everything. They looked high and low. They looked near and far. The analyzed, prayed, discussed, and wrote reports. They all came to the same conclusion. There was nothing. Most importantly, they all agreed that they didn’t exist either.

From the nothingness formed a cloud. And after the beginning there was nothing except for the cloud. The cloud began to cry. There are some sad things known to man, but ain’t too much sadder than the tears of a cloud. Sadness grew from the dark puddle. The sadness turned to rocks, which formed the mighty land mass Earth. From the land mass grew trees. The cloud had something to rain upon. The cloud grew happy, but continued to cry. These tears of joy formed a puddle of delight that spread across the Earth. These were the seas.

The trees began to suffocate and run in circles. The cloud saw that its friends, the trees, were dying. It let out a gasp of horror. This gasp became the wind, and it covered the Earth. The trees breathed the wind deep into their lungs. They lived. They were so happy to live that they planted their roots deep into the ground, never to walk again.

A single bird landed in a tree. Neither the clouds, the Earth, the darkness, the wolverines, nor the trees knew where the bird came from, as there had been nothing before them. But the bird built a nest. Soon it laid eggs, and four of the five eggs hatched. These birds were named North, South, East, and Down. They flew to the four corners of the round Earth, and the directions were named after them.

Down was attacked by one of the ice dwarfs. The fifth bird, West, finally hatched and killed the ice dwarf. West noticed that Down hadn’t actually been killed by the ice dwarf. He had simply flown straight into the ground, as this was his name. He was also not smart. The ice dwarf had been trying to revive Down. The ice dwarf, whose name was Rudolfo, had a giant father. This giant ice dwarf vowed revenge upon the birds, and clapped his hands three times. And this created the heavens. Rudolfo, who had previously been dead, asked his father not to take revenge on the birds. And this created a system of bartering.

Time passed, and the bird moved to another tree and built another nest. This time, he decided that he was lonely and wanted a wife so he could start a family. They began to pray, but soon noticed that there were no gods in the heavens. They took apart their nest and moved to the ground. The bird’s wife died of sadness. The cloud rained sadness once again, and the Earth was flooded. The bird flew again to the tops of the trees, but they were soon not high enough. The rocks began to stand upon each other and formed mountains. The bird flew to the top of these mountains to wait for the flood to end.

The ice dwarfs also ran to the mountains. They mourned their dead. When they came to the top of the mountain they met the bird. The bird and the ice dwarfs began to talk and knew that they couldn’t fight while the Earth was flooded. As soon as the ice dwarfs turned their backs, the bird attacked and killed half of the ice dwarfs. This is why birds and dwarfs of all kinds hate each other today. The blood that flowed from the veins of the dead ice dwarfs began to flow across the Earth and formed the rivers, creeks, and babbling brooks of the world.

Soon the waters descended. The ice dwarfs returned to their homes and the bird to its. But as the bird slept, it was attacked by the ice dwarf Rudolfo, whose father had been killed by the bird. Rudolfo plucked out all of feathers of the bird and planted them in the sky. The feathers began to melt. The feather vapors made their way to the heavens and began to form the gods. The ice dwarf plucked the eyes from the bird and cast them into the sky. One became the sun. The other the moon. The bird pleaded for mercy, and it was granted by Rudolfo’s father, who had previously been dead. This is why ice dwarfs and birds of all kinds live in harmony today.

II. Life

The gods were three brothers, Mitch, Ruben, and Clancy. They looked down upon the Earth and noticed that it was bare. They plucked hairs from their heads and planted them in the ground, and these became the trees. They melted the ice dwarfs and cast them across the Earth and these became the seas. But they knew that the Earth needed more. It needed life. They asked the scholars, scientists, philosophers, and clergy what to do. They agreed that the gods should create man.

The gods went to the bird and plucked a single feather and planted it in the ground. This became man, who they named Adam. The man went to the bird and plucked another feather. Adam planted it in the ground as he had been shown by the gods. This feather became man, who they named Steve. The bird then flew away, and they could get no more feathers. This is why birds and man of all kinds hate each other today. This is why they named their land Maize.

Adam and Steve lived in happiness for many years. They both had a joy in their hearts. But even though they were so gay, as hard as they tried, they could not produce another man. The gods took pity. They trimmed their toenails and planted them in one pile in the ground. This became woman, who they named Mildred. All three, Mildred, Adam, and Steve followed the directions of the gods, and soon Mildred was with child. The gods looked down and noticed that it was good. This is why parents today come in threes.


TBC...

Well, well, well

I don't know why, but this is the funniest damn thing ever. EVER!

Bloody Brilliant

Repost from Lance's blog:

Things

Yeah, I've sure done a fine job of that poem-a-day thing. I choose to blame things, as things have been busy. Things also have no single source of consciousness. I prefer to think that things are a collection of thoughts. Therefore things will not feel the blame and feel bad. I don't want things to change because of how they feel. That's just how things are. So it's not my fault. Things have been busy.

Itch

"For today's prompt, I want you to write an origin poem. It can be the origin of a word, person, plant, idea, etc. Have fun with it."

Tickle
Tickle
Wiggle
Wiggle
Shoe moves left, shoe moves right.
Shoe moves up and down
Wiggle
Push down on the toes, raises the knee
Push foot deep into shoe
Tickle
Tickle
Wiggle
Wiggle
Use other shoe
Remove first shoe
Tickle
Tickle
Wiggle
Wiggle
Push down on the toes, raises the knee
Push socked toes to the ground
Rip off the sock
Start scratching.
scratch
scratch
scratch
Sweet relief
Back to work.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Right ear lobe
Tickle
Tickle
Wiggle
Wiggle

Poem a day month... but not mine

Some of you might remember such classic months as October, Blog-a-day Month, and November, Haiku-a-day Month. This website:
http://blog.writersdigest.com/poeticasides/April+PAD+Challenge+2009+Rules++Blahblahblah.aspx

has poem a day month in April. As you can see, they have a different prompt for every day of the month. I'm going to attempt to submit something as often as I can. April isn't the best month for this, with the DC trip. I'll continue stressing out over that for the next week and a half, and then I'll be gone for the week after that. I'll do my best, but I won't be as consistent as I am with B-A-D and H-A-D months. So next post: entry #1