Friday, December 30, 2011

Quick thoughts about 2011

2011 will go down in history as the year that I was told by a coworker that a bowl of boiling water looked good, and not in a sarcastic/ironic/silly way. Seriously.

The funniest thing I saw in theaters this year wasn’t a movie. It was a Sprite commercial. If you go the movies half as much as I do, you might have seen this gem. In it, Drake is ready to record, but he’s “just not feelin’ it.” Because what he does requires raw emotion. The emotion you can only get… from Sprite. So after looking sad, he drinks some Sprite. The Sprite turns him into a robot, enters his body and rearranges his very DNA! After the Sprite surges through his body, Drake gets pissed at the microphone and yells into it, “Last name Evew, first name gweatest.” That’s what he was waiting for. That’s what we were all waiting for. And for the first few times I saw it, I didn’t even notice the funniest part, which is his lyric at the end “Like a sprained ankle I aint’ nothin to play with.” That’s hilarious.

So what was the worst song of 2011? If you said “Friday,” you’re wrong. It’s too funny and entertaining to be the worst. It’s actually a tie.  First is J. Cole’s “Work Out.” He makes the brilliant choice to not just sample, but totally incorporate Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up.” Take a bad song and make it shittier. Wasn’t that a discarded Beatles lyric? And then there’s this obnoxious four note auto-tuned “Doot doo doo doooooo” that repeats over and over. It makes my ears bleed MC Skat Kat’s blood. Interestingly, J. Cole’s beard is shaped like an hourglass that’s about to run out. It must be nice to have a career indicator on your face.

And the tie for worst song is Lil’ Wayne’s shitfest “How to Love.” My theory is that Lil’ Wayne must be a necrophiliac because his version of love is boring someone to death, apparently to make love to their bored ass. Seriously, someone forgot to wake him up for the first few minutes of the song. And then he gets excited for a few seconds as he repeats the word crook seemingly 27 times in a row. I yell at the radio for him to stop saying “crooks,” and then he falls back to sleep for the rest of the song. And we all learn how to love.

It’s funny because Drake, J. Cole, and Lil’ Wayne made an impacted ass load of money for that crap while the delicious bowl of boiling water got nothing but oatmeal dumped into it.

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